Melting Away...

Ok... So, Tamra totally remembered to take pictures during our visit with Zanae and Zaire today. We cannot post them here, so if you are interested, you will have to send Tamra an email. I am sure she will post here soon anyway.

The visit went very well. The kiddos keep very early morning hours due to their current home needs, so Zanae had fallen asleep on the way to our house. When she arrived, she was a little overshelmed and unfamiliar, so there were some tears. This was a big break in her routine, so I am sure she was tired on top on confused. That said, after a few moments of tears, I asked if she wanted to come to me and she did, and calmed down very quickly. She then just relaxed and layed her head on my shoulders for awhile. Melt, Melt, Melt....

Zaire, totally cool with Tamra right away, and got right to his playing. No problems here, almost a role reversal from our first visit. He and Ethan got right to it, and I think he had a car or truck in his hand the entire time. He was very warm to Tamra and even tossed her a few gratuitous smiles. Melt, Melt, Melt...

Zanae pretty much stuck with me the majority of the time, but I did manage to get her to interact with the boys some, and she did let Tamra have a few minutes too. Melt, Melt, Melt...

Then the subject of next steps came up, and we are now looking at having them spend the weekend with us. This comes after we have been really planning to have them join us permanently sometime between now and Monday. I know we have to consider what is best for everyone, but it makes things very difficult. I find it hard to open your home and your heart, only to say goodbye again. I was really hoping this would be the last time for that.

So, the plan as of now is to pick them up Friday evening and have them stay with us until Sunday evening. This will be exciting since they'll get to go to church with us. I just hope Zaire is cool with nursery, so I only have one youngin to help me manage the Bishop's schedule. :) This also adds a layer of confusion, as I'm not sure if we'll have the answer to the question we'll get at least 10 times each, "So...do you get to keep them?" This entire experience is a test on my patience. I suppose I am being taught something...jk

When we had to choose between adoption and foster-to-adopt, this is the exact kind of thing we were afraid of. Prayer, fasting, and lots of faith led us to consider foster-to-adopt as the best way for our family to pursue this dream. We knew attachment would be a struggle, and with foster care, it is possible that you care for kiddos for quite some time before returning them to their birth family, and possibly never being able to adopt. We knew this would take a toll on us all, but this was still our answer. Who are we to question answers to prayer? We decided this is what we would do, and took that step. We have been blessed with this opportunity so soon in our experience, as it is not a foster-to-adopt situation. When/If these two wonderful children are placed in our home, it will be as an adoptive family. I guess I thought I would be able to avoid some of the attachment concerns I had with fostering. But, how can anyone plan for the events we have experienced since we first started this process months ago? Our hearts have changed a number of times in the past few months, and we have learned a lot more about ourselves, our family, and what we might be capable of. I just wish things could be a little easier. My buddy Ryan always told me, "I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." (I know they aren't his words, but he is the one that shared them with me.)

I know this experience will be worth it, regardless of the outcome. I am reminded that most of the good things I have in my life did not come easy. I know that ALL of the BEST things I have in my life were not easy at all. And I know that this too will work out as it should.

Thank you all for your kind words the last few days/weeks/months. Thank you for your prayers. Please keep us in your prayers for His will to be done here, no matter what that might be.

Ray