Well... Back to the beginning

So, as many of you know, our "big week" certainly has been BIG. Not exactly like we had expected, but still BIG. It is official, Zanae and Zaire will not be coming to our home again, not even for a visit. This news did come yesterday, and threw Tamra and I for quite a loop. There were some additional surprises that I won't speak of here, but the end result will hopefully be what is best for them for the long term. We have been introduced to the bureaucracy of things, and challenged with dealing with how things work.

Tamra found this out for sure early yesterday afternoon. I do not envy her being home with the boys and keeping the sad news from them until I got home. At least I could pretend to work, and try to focus elsewhere. Telling the boys was super difficult for both of us, but as always, the boys surprised us. It is hard to tell how much they truly grasp, but they immediately shifted their thinking to two other children we had in our home for a few days before Christmas. "We'll just adopt Mya and Alexis," they said. We attempted to explain that it didn't quite work that way, and Kyler was still positive. His main concern was that we hurry up and adopt some kids before summer, because that is when we are going to CA on vacation and they HAVE to go to Disneyland with us. For those of you who know Kyler well, you will not be surprised that this trip to CA is something Kyler has planned, and informed us of. That kid kills me! (He also said they had to go with us to Disneyland before next year when we go to Florida so we can go to Disney World.)

Today has been a little awkward to say the least. It is an odd feeling to know exactly what you are heading for, and how you intend to get there, only to have that suddenly derailed. And worse... it's like playing a board game and being sent back to the starting line, not just 3 spaces.

Again, I am sad for my wife. Both Kyler and Ethan had school today; leaving Tamra with almost 3 hours of "free-time." No wonder she was busy trying to stay so busy. She wanted to go tanning today! I thought she was out of her mind! I know the place is heated, but the thought of putting on a swimsuit on a day like today is arguable insanity. The high was 33 today...at 7:30am! We were dropping into the single digits, with a windchill warming it up to a balmy 2 degrees. So, instead she went shopping! Running here, running there, I imagine she kept that entire 3 hours occupied. Then while picking up Ethan, she finds out he has tried to explain things to his teacher. Obviously on his mind. Then he was very clingy to her all afternoon, and has been asking if Zaire can at least come play. Seems he does understand he cannot live with us, but isn't quite sure why he can't come play.

On a much lighter note, we got the initial draft of our adoptive family home study today. Our case worker (who has been absolutely fabulous throughout this entire process, especially this week) came out a couple weeks ago to dig a little deeper into our lives, and take some pretty extensive notes. It is a little odd to read an evaluation of yourself from someone like that. The memories we were asked to share were very personal, and reading them captured in print was emotional. As part of this process we had to provide references to the agency. They were very specific in who these references could be, and it wasn't easy as we do not have quite the support structure in KS as we do back home. But some of their comments were quoted as part of this document, and I was floored at what they had to say. It is amazing to gain a glimpse into how you are truly seen by others. I am humbled in many ways by what they have said about us and our family, and happy to know we have a little more support structure here than I had realized.

So, on to the next event. We both wish we could know when we would get the next call or email letting us know there were some kids who needed us. We would really like to know now if they would be foster-to-adopt, or straight adoption. We would love to know how many, and number of boys or girls. But, we were talking today and realized that just isn't going to happen. All we can do right now is enjoy the slowed pace as long as it lasts because who knows?? We could get a call next week, and slowly start a process again. We could not hear anything for days, or weeks, or months. Or, we could get an email at 9am tomorrow morning and be 1000 miles an hour again. It is really out of our hands.

We are just going to try to set this aside, and have some fun. Catch a movie with the boys this weekend. Go see a college basketball game. Heck, knowing us, we may even just pack a bag and a lunch and take a drive somewhere this weekend? We're in good shape though. Spemding some time together is just what we need. (and Tamra finding some time to go tanning.. :) )

Love to you all. The journey continues....